you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
ok first of all what the fuck
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
