speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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