I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
