I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
