The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
