Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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