I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
