I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
40s are totally the cure
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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