Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
