I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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