I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
