My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
