Non-Jews are for practice
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize