You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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