I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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