dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
