I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
