pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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