my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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