my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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