remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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