Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
