so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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