I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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