I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
