i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
