I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
