I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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