I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize