I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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