And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
