Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
