Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize