I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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