My underwear smells like fireworks.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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