My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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