I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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