dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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