I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have feelings that need drinking.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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