Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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