you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
