Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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