I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have aggressive nipples.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
