HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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