HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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