I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
