sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
