I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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