Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
