i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i will never coherently bang her
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
