i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
