Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
