I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
