3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
from now on my penis is your penis
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
