I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
