Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
