What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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