You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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