My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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