you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
