shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Boobs speak an international language.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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