Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
