Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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